To make look a little less like we stole a table from school, I figured the easiest rehab would be a new tabletop, so I picked up some pine 1x4 and 1x6 boards. These got chopped to create a staggered layout.
After this I drilled angled, counter-sinked pilot holes on the bottom so I could assemble all the pieces into a single piece with pocket screws.
Once the sawdust had cleared, I killed a few hundred (thousand) brain cells putting on three coats of polyurethane in the basement, followed by an attempt to glue the edges together.
After the glue dramatically proved insufficient (ouch), I turned to mechanical means, and then L-bracketed it to the original tabletop, thus avoiding screwing down through the top of the table or gluing it to the surface.
That's it! Since we already had the stain, finish, and most of the tools I needed, we got a unique (that's for sure) table on the cheap! We'll have to devise some storage underneath, probably a mix of shelving and baskets. For now, here are a couple pictures of the finished product:

